I've Learned Some Hard Things, but my God is MORE, and for this, I am Grateful | A Different #MusicMonday

In light of sad news for our family over the weekend, this is a different #MusicMonday compared to usual. If you're reading this post looking for happy music feels, you may want to wait till next week. This week's post is a spiritual outpouring for me, as I want to take this opportunity to honor the God that has brought me through some of my toughest times with music, Jesus.

The short of it is that my grandmother (Dad's side) passed away on Saturday. My great-aunt (who's been taking care of her) called us at 3pm on December 9th, 2017 and broke the news. 

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There is a reason that artists write song after song about how what doesn't break you makes you stronger. Our God taught us a long time ago, and even now, as our family is going through a bit of a rough time...Broken Praise (Job) from the "Music Inspired by the Story" album is a song that comes to mind when I think of someone going through times of loss, high stress, and countless trials.

It's easy for us to talk the "talk" when things are going well, but the true fire that shows us how much we've grown in spirit and in our walk with the Lord is when there are harsh stones in the path that cause us to stumble and fall...I didn't cry much as a child. Looking at me now at 25, I cry enough that I'd honestly call myself a bit of a crybaby. Sometimes I don't understand why I cry. I've cried watching shows, reading, listening to music, and more often than once, praying.

...what changed?

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I learned some hard things in the past several years, - 

I learned grief when my grandfathers (both sides) passed away. 

I learned heartbreak when I lost close friends and love interests. 

I learned self-destruction when I saw my own body exhibiting eczema, a result of stress.

I learned that my emotions could fall through a never-ending trench, whilst simultaneously have walls closing in to crush me when I had an existential crisis in the beginning (and again in October) of 2017.

Above all, I learned that I am WEAK.

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but my God is more than all I've "learned", -

My God is gracious. 
My God works all things together for good.
My God loves me and holds my life in His hands. 
My God made me in my mother's womb and has a plan for my life.

Above all, my God is STRONG.


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and for this, I am grateful.

I am grateful that my grandmother knew Jesus and accepted Him as her Lord and Savior.
I am grateful that I will see her again when MY time comes. 
I am grateful that my great-aunt, despite her OWN physical limitations, took it upon herself to care for my ailing grandmother, enduring all kinds of stressful conditions on our behalf.
I am grateful to my grandmother's church family who have done so much for her in our absence.

Above all, I am grateful that she is now with Jesus, bathed in light, in a place with no more pain or sorrow.

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THANK YOU, LORD.

If there's one thing I've learned from Job...
Broken praise is better than NO praise, if only for the fact that you give your pain to God in the process. I truly hope you enjoy the song and that it ministers to you (as a matter of fact, go download the whole album. It is SO GOOD).



Lyrics
If one more person takes my hand 

And tries to say they understand 

And tells me there's a bigger plan
That I'm not meant to see 

If one more person dares suggest 

That I held something unconfessed 

And tries to make the dots connect 

From righteousness to easy street 

Well I, I won't deny 

That I've relied on some assumptions 

A man's honest life 

Entitles him to something 

Who am I to make demands 

Of the God of Abraham? 

And who are You that You would choose 

To answer me with mercy new 

How many more will wander past 

To find me here among the ashes 

Will You hold me? Will You stay? 

So I can raise this broken praise to You, oh 

Who else will see my suffering 

As one more opportunity 

To educate, to help me see 

All my flawed theology 

If one more well-intentioned friend 

Tries to tie up my loose ends 

Hoping to, with rug and broom 

Sweep awkward moments from the room 

But I, I can't forget 

That I have begged just like a madman 

For my chance to die 

Never have to face the morning 

Who am I to make demands 

Of the God of Abraham? 

And who are You that You would choose 

To answer me with mercy new 

How many more will wander past 

To find me sitting in this ash 

Will you hold me? Will you stay? 

So I can raise this broken praise to You 

But You were the One who filled my cup 

And You were the One who let it spill 

So blessed be Your Holy name 

If You never fill it up again 

If this is where my story ends 

Just give me one more breath to say 

Hallelujah, Hallelujah 

Hallelujah, Hallelujah 

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

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If you made it to the end of this post, thank you for reading. :)


It's probably the most emotionally and spiritually charged post I've written thus far, so I appreciate you powering through all of that to get to this point.

Please keep my family in your prayers. Dad's the only one going back overseas, so things for me (should hopefully) will continue on as normal unless otherwise noted.

No need to worry about me. :)
If I'm seeming as happy as per usual, I'm not forcing it in the least. Remember, my grandmother went to be with the Lord. Of course I miss her, but she's in a better place. I've prayed and had my cry-fest, so I'm okay :) 
I'm going to focus on the good things of this season, Jesus and my ability to give gifts and bless my dearest friends and family. This year...will be a different kind Christmas, but my grandmother would scold me for moping too on her behalf. She'd want me to think of her often and with fondness and I'll definitely be doing that. :)

I shall see you all next #WeeklyWednesday.

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